


You're all I want

by Jade92



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Cheating, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, very brief sexual references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 20:37:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20014453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jade92/pseuds/Jade92
Summary: It’s wrong what he’s doing to Whitney, he feels like he’s losing air from his lungs when he thinks about the mess he’s in, but he can’t stay away. He needs Ben to keep him breathing.Or, Callum wants more with Ben and struggles to understand the feelings he has for him.





	You're all I want

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've written fanfiction so please be gentle. I woke up with this story in my head because apparently Ben and Callum are taking over my life so much that I'm now waking up with them on my mind. They have taken up my entire Sunday because they wouldn't leave me alone until I'd finished writing this. Still, I have no regrets. 
> 
> This takes place a few months from now. Callum and Whitney are still together but I'll leave it up to you as to whether they went through with the wedding or not. Ben and Callum have meanwhile been having an affair but just like in soapland, it's been a slow burner up to this point. 
> 
> Enjoy.

It all begins in The Vic. There Callum is just finishing his drink and about to head out when Ben suddenly appears, dropping down beside him in the booth, cocky smile on his face.

“All alone are we?”

“Whit was just here. She had to go; work stuff.”

“What a shame I missed her,” Ben says. “Guess you’ll just have to have me instead.” There’s a teasing glint in Ben’s eyes, something which Callum has never been immune to, and all he wants to do is reach across the booth, pull Ben towards him and kiss him senseless. But he can’t. Not here. “Haven’t heard from you recently. Was beginning to think you’d gone off me,” Ben continues.

“No, no, I’ve just been busy that’s all,” Callum fumbles. “We’ve had a lot on at the undertakers and Whit’s business is starting to take off. I’ve been setting up a website for her – hopefully she’ll be taking orders online soon.”

“As lovely as all that is,” Ben says as he moves to put his hand on Callum’s leg, “I’ve missed you.” Callum looks down to where Ben’s hand is resting on his thigh, looks up to meet Ben’s gaze, feels heat creeping along the back of his neck.

It’s been a while since they started sneaking around. Callum still hasn’t got his head around it, can still feel guilt start to rise in his stomach whenever he thinks about it too much, but he just can’t seem to stay away from Ben. Every time he tries the feeling of _want_ comes back stronger. He hasn’t seen Ben in almost two weeks and now, even just being in the same room as him feels overwhelming. It can’t go on forever. Something, somewhere has got to break. It’s just a matter of when.

Callum can feel Ben’s hand slowly moving higher under the table and gasps when he feels him pressing against the seam of his trousers. He expects the whole pub to be staring at him, knowing, judging him, but when he looks around he sees no one is paying any attention, no one apart from Ben who is smirking now as he continues to move his fingers teasingly over the zip. Callum should move away but he can’t. He shuffles forwards, pressing further into Ben’s palm. He likes how Ben can make him feel, likes giving up his willpower for him.

He tears his eyes away from Ben’s, looks down at the table in front of him and that’s when he sees them; his pint glass, Ben’s beer bottle, and Whitney’s wine glass. It’s nothing really, just the reminder that Whitney was here at one side of him no more than 10 minutes ago and now Ben is here at the other, slowly massaging his cock through the material of his trousers. He knows the reality of the situation, knows there’s three in this relationship, and that in a way he’s cheating on all of them. He’s cheating on Whitney with Ben, often feels like he’s cheating on Ben with Whitney, and almost always feels like he’s cheating himself just by living a double life and lying about who he is. Who he knows he shouldn’t be. Who he’s beginning to learn he wants to be.

Cheating, cheating, cheating.

He flinches suddenly and pushes Ben’s hand away from him. When he turns to Ben there’s a questioning look in his eyes and Callum wants. He wants so much to have this beautiful boy in front of him who sets every fibre of his being alight and who gently soothes him in equal measure with his patient understanding and gentle nature. It’s wrong what he’s doing to Whitney, he feels like he’s losing air from his lungs when he thinks about the mess he’s in, but he can’t stay away. He needs Ben to keep him breathing. It’s a feeling he can’t seem to comprehend.

“Not here,” Callum manages to breathe out.

Ben nods and as he stands says, “Outside.” And then he’s gone just as quickly as he came. Callum watches him go, looks in the direction of the toilets where he was expecting they would end up, then down at the table in front of him again. The bottle and the glasses are still there, mocking him, but Ben is outside waiting for him and that’s all he needs right now.

Callum finds Ben in the alleyway. He has a quick glance around at the Square, makes sure no one is looking, finds that again no one is paying any attention, and then goes in. As he approaches, Ben reaches out for his wrist and pulls him behind the wall to shield them both from view.

It’s Callum who initiates the kiss; it usually is, almost as if Ben is waiting on him to see if he’s sure. Kissing feels more intimate than any other physical act they’ve done though they’ve not done much. It’s mostly been hand jobs whenever they’ve had a spare few minutes, the occasional blow job whenever they’ve had a bit longer. They’ve never had time for anything more and Ben has never pushed. If he’s being honest with himself, Callum has never allowed himself to think beyond. But as they stand in the alleyway kissing fervently all Callum wants is more, more, more. Ben has got his hands under Callum’s shirt pressing them closer together but it’s still not close enough. Callum tries to reach him but there’s too many layers between them, too much in the way. He wants more but the cool air he feels on his exposed skin reminds him they’re still outside. It’s day time, the market is busy, and if he wants anything more than a hand or blow job today then they can’t be here. He says as much to Ben.

“It’s fine. No one can see,” Ben says in response, continuing to kiss him. But Ben doesn’t understand.

“We’re outside,” Callum says in between kisses.

Ben huffs out a laugh. “Didn’t stop us that night in the park.”

“Yeah, but all I want is to tear your clothes off though.” He shocks Ben as much as he shocks himself when he says it. He’s never been so forthright, so blunt. He’d be sure the words hadn’t come from his mouth if it wasn’t for the way Ben has stopped kissing him and is now looking at him stunned. But there’s something else there. Determination perhaps.

Ben leans in close to him. Callum watches as his eyes travel down his body and then back to his face.

“Love seeing this side of you,” Ben says. “All confident and taking charge.” Callum feels suddenly unsettled under Ben’s microscope. Feels the weight of expectation that he doesn’t know how to follow through on. Ben must notice because he leans in closer, put his mouth to Callum’s ear. “Go on then,” he whispers. “Take me somewhere you can tear my clothes off.”

They end up at Callum’s flat. It’s a dangerous move but they’re more likely to get interrupted at Ben’s place and Callum knows Whitney will be busy for the rest of the day. It feels wrong taking Ben to the home he shares with her but they’re here now, guided by Ben, and he wants this. This is all new to him though and he’s not sure how to go about it so he stands in the middle of the room, looking at where Ben is standing across from him. There’s a quiet between them as Ben waits. The charged energy between them seems to have disappeared the moment he’d walked through the door. All that’s left is the feeling that he’s on the edge of something, that this is where the game changes.

“It’s ok if you’ve changed your mind now we’re here,” Ben says, breaking the silence, and Callum can see that he means it. Ben waits. Ben is patient. Ben always understands. Callum still wants.

“I haven’t,” he says. “I just don’t – I’ve not –"

Ben moves towards him slowly. “I know.”

“It scares me,” Callum admits. “The things I want to do with you.” He doesn’t mean just sex, though of course, that’s an element. He wants to sit next to Ben in The Vic without fearing people’s eyes on him, wants to kiss him in the middle of the market and have no one bat an eyelid, wants to bring Ben home and keep him there and wake up next to him in the morning. He wants so much, knows he could have it if he just stopped lying to everyone. But the thought paralyses him.

Callum feels Ben take his hand and squeezes it gently. He looks at him with so much care and understanding. “It’s ok," he whispers. "You’re safe with me.”

The feeling of Ben’s hand in his is what grounds him and Callum leans forwards and places a gentle kiss on his lips. Ben opens his mouth for him, allows Callum to deepen the kiss, and takes his lead when Callum starts to move towards the bedroom.

Afterwards, Callum stares up at the ceiling as he thinks about what just happened. It was inevitable really that they would end up here and though he knew deep down that the damage was already done, this just confirms it. Callum is gone for him, completely and irreversibly gone for him.

He feels Ben watching him. “You ok?”

Callum is quiet for a moment and then sits up. He needs to thinks. He knows he should feel shame at bringing someone else into his and Whitney’s bed, disgust at not being the man that his father, and later Stuart, brought him up to be. But he doesn’t feel either of those things. He feels love. Can feel himself falling further and further, knows now that he’s been falling this whole time. He’s never been able to comprehend the strong need to be around Ben and to be with him. It’s love.

He loves Ben. Yes, something, somewhere has got to break but not this.

He suddenly feels a hand on his back, Ben’s thumb gently rubbing back and forth soothingly. Still he sounds worried when he says, “Callum?”

“I’m ok,” Callum says, realising he hasn’t yet answered the question.

“It’s ok if you’re not. It’s a big deal your first time.”

Callum turns to him and sees concern in his eyes and he can’t be having that so he says, “I’m ok. Really. I’m just surprised by how ok I am.”

That seems to convince Ben who smiles up at him. “To say we were supposed to be tearing each others clothes off that was actually tame.”

He knows Ben is trying to lighten the mood but it makes Callum remember how they wound up here today and he can’t help but feel like he’s let Ben down. It had all been so exciting in the alleyway but then they’d come back here, everything had slowed down and Callum had realised he was in deeper than he thought. He turns away again. There’s too many feelings that he doesn’t know what to do with.

“That wasn’t just lust, you know,” Ben voices. “It was something more than just sex. Tell me you feel it too.”

Callum knows he did. If anything, Ben is just putting words to the thoughts in his head. They’re on the same page but he can’t find it within himself to say so. He’s scared of what will happen if he does. He remembers their first night in the park. He remembers being scared to say anything afterwards so instead he’d just ran. He knows he’s allowed Ben to see more of him now, knows he’s allowed Ben to pull down his barriers bit by bit over the last few months but still the thought of admitting anything to Ben makes him want to run.

_I want you. I want this. I want us._

He can’t say those words. Something is holding him back. He’s choosing to run.

“You need to go.” Callum moves off the bed and starts to gather his clothes from the floor. Ben doesn’t move so he tries again. “You need to go now.”

“No, Cal, come on.”

“Please. Please just go.” And then he’s out the bedroom, heading towards the bathroom, closing the bathroom door and leaning his head against it.

He’s cheating. He’s lying. He wants Ben. He loves Ben.

It’s too much. It’s all too much.

When Callum comes out of the shower later, the flat is empty. It’s dark outside. Ben has gone.

It’s almost two hours later when Callum picks up his phone to text Ben. Whitney’s still not home and he’s used the time to think about everything. He can’t keep running from Ben or from the way he feels. Ben had said he had loved seeing him confident and taking charge but that was the opposite of what he’d been when he’d told Ben to leave. He was wrong to do that. He loves Ben. Loving another man has gone against everything he’s ever know, everything he’s ever been taught, but he can’t deny it. The more tries, the stronger the feeling gets and the more he wants a life with Ben, whatever that life might entail. He can imagine being the person who is out and proud, likes the idea of it, but it’s like there’s a ravine between him and that person and he can’t find the bridge to get across.

He scrolls down to Ben’s name in his contact list and stares at it. After a moment he opens up on a new message and starts to type. After he sends it he feels relieved. He’s always been open with Ben in his actions but struggled with his words. He hopes this small step is enough. He hopes Ben will wait while he figures out the rest.

As Ben walks through the empty market, he stops as he feels his phone beep. He pulls it out of his pocket, sees it’s from Callum. He prepares himself for the end, for Callum to deny everything, for him to push him away on instinct. When he opens the message and reads it his heart soars.

It reads:

You were right. I felt it too x

It’s tiny really. It’s not exactly a heartfelt declaration like the one Ben has been wanting to give Callum ever since earlier that day, but it’s something. Callum isn’t there yet and Ben knows he can’t wait forever. But he’ll hold on to this tiny sliver for as long as he can. Callum might just ruin him but he’ll have no regrets. He knows he loves Callum, knows they could be something so much more. For now, there’s hope.


End file.
